Conscious Parenting - Questions
One of the major shifts we make in mindful parenting is a move away from the desire to control and a step toward connection. I talk more about conscious parenting and a few other major shifts here if that interests you at all. I recommend reading The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary for a deeper dive (her other two books are incredibly helpful as well).
SO HOW CAN WE CONNECT WITH OUR CHILDREN ON A DAILY BASIS?
There are numerous ways. Truly. But for the purpose of this post, we will focus on the power of questions. Ideally, parents would ask questions with the intention of exploring and getting to know our children. But don’t we already know our children? I mean, we do spend hours and hours a day together! Our children may feel like a known to us but in reality, they exist apart from us. They have their own minds, experiences, reflections, fears, and preferences. They are not our own. As we live in the world of DO-ing—it is easy to forget to look into our children’s eyes and truly see them as the brilliant and relatively mysterious creatures they are. Our children are forever changing and growing, much like we are. Our children long to be seen, valued, and heard, much like we do.
INDULGE ME A MOMENT, WILL YOU? LET’S LOOK AT WHY AND HOW WE SHOULD ASK QUESTIONS. WHEN WE LOOK AT HOW TRUE CHANGE WORKS—IDENTIFYING WHY, AND HOW— CAN BE CRUCIAL TO OUR SUCCESS.
WHY ASK QUESTIONS?
Questions allow our children to shift from the external (listening to authority figures or looking to people outside of themselves for the answers) to the internal (accessing their own thoughts, impressions, and experiences as important sources of information). This shift is the only real hope our children have of knowing and honoring themselves. They have to know how to connect with themselves before they can truly bond with other people. They can only build a life that feels fulfilling to them if they know what they desire or what lights them up. Our children deserve to trust who they are—and this begins with inner exploration and valuing their own voices.
Questions (the right ones) create a connective environment. How do you feel when a trusted person asks you a question from a place of curiosity and genuine interest and they truly listen? This is how trust is built. As we listen, our children not only connect with themselves, they connect with us too. Emotional connection is foundational to a relationship. The safety we exude acts as a protectant and a gateway. If/when our children do experience overwhelming emotions or find themselves in challenging situations as teens (and they will), they are more apt to call on us if they don’t feel like our love or approval is on the line. We need to be explicit that we will never love our children less for what they share in vulnerability. They are learning (just like we are).
Questions highlight a key component to all relationships but especially intimate ones. We learn from those we love. Our children have a great deal to teach us about who they are (and that can be especially helpful when considering how to strategize around areas like motivation or socialization) but also, we learn a great deal about ourselves in the process. What we react to in our children as we listen (the most common reactive emotion being fear) shines a light on what actually remains unresolved in us. Our awareness of ourselves and our own need to heal makes us much less likely to perpetuate the pain cycles of our own childhoods.
Questions allow for the healthy processing of emotions and a reflection on our children’s experiences. We can only be awake to what we are consciously aware of. We become different people when we are able to emotionally express and process our feelings and experiences with a safe person. Don’t we want that for our children? As parents, we serve as a tether to the often stormy and unpredictable experience of being alive. We work to ground ourselves so that we can better hold our children’s experiences and remind them that they are not alone.
HOW DO WE ASK QUESTIONS? HOW DO WE HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT BUILD A CONNECTION WITH OUR CHILDREN?
Choose a time that feels natural and where you are feeling grounded. Bedtime is a natural time for younger children. Car rides. Whatever time you choose, try to be fully present and affirming. Resist the urge to fix!
Choose a time and place that feels relaxing to your child. With teens, I might allow for a time where they are naturally leaning in on their own. It can feel rare so just go with it! Teens may resist questions of any kind— and that is okay. It is more about providing opportunities for connective conversations—not forcing them. Remember that control methods really do backfire in the long run.
Ask questions that are rooted in nonjudgment and curiosity.
Practice awareness around assumptive questions. They are not connecting! Questions should not come from a place of lack or criticism.
Note: If you are desiring to have a conversation about a particular problem or issue with behavior, I can offer some suggestions in another post!!
Here are some examples of assumptive questions.
Why do you wait so long to do your homework?
Why are you always so moody?
Do you feel like you are doing your best in school right now?
Why don’t you like sports?
HERE ARE SOME SAMPLE QUESTIONS TO TRY…
What has been bringing you joy lately?
How is school feeling to you? Are there parts you enjoy?
What are the major stresses in your life right now?
What is feeling hard?
Are there any hobbies you have been wanting to try?
How can I love and support you better this week?
What are some things you would enjoy doing as a family?
What do you like your weekends to feel like?
How are the mornings before school feeling to you? How could we make them feel better?
What are some things that help soothe you when you are feeling stressed or sad?
PARENTING CAN FEEL OVERWHELMING AT TIMES. I ALWAYS FEEL MOST EMPOWERED WHEN FOCUSING ON ONE NEW PRINCIPLE AT A TIME. IF IT FEELS GOOD TO YOU, TRY OUT ASKING QUESTIONS THIS WEEK. SEE IF YOU NOTICE AN INCREASE IN CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD. LEAN INTO THE ORDINARY MOMENTS AND REALLY SEE YOUR CHILD.
LET ME KNOW IF I HAVE MISSED ANYTHING OR IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD, WILL YOU? I AM ALWAY STRUCK BY THE WISDOM, REALNESS, AND PERSPECTIVE IN YOUR COMMENTS!
