The Power of Invitations
Let’s talk about invitations, shall we? We have talked about a number of important skills when it comes to navigating our relationships. Here are a few highlights.
WHAT ARE INVITATIONS?
Invitations are just what they sound like! They involve choice. You are invited but not required to… come out to breakfast, attend a family dinner, consider listening to an important podcast, talk about personal things, or join me on a morning walk. Invitations respect the individual and allow for differentiation within the relationship. Invitations work incredibly well for teens and partners (but they can also work well for strong-minded children as well!) Clearly, we must do the work of deciding where we boundary more firmly versus giving space and autonomy and it is a balance. But where we can offer more space and autonomy, invitations can provide a great deal of healing, particularly in relationships where control is particularly troublesome.
WHY DO INVITATIONS FEEL NEW?
For many of us, we are used to requests! They are part of our programming. We likely received a steady onslaught of requests or commands inside our family of origin. Requests do not allow for a lot of exploration or the weighing of choices. Our relationships with our parents most likely fell into the authoritative or authoritarian structure of parenting. What defines these two approaches? Expectations. Control. Conformity. Punishment or consequences (given in the heat of the moment). Obedience. Religion adds another layer as Mormonism follows the same model. American culture also supports the same paradigm (think of public schools here). Invitations may take a bit of time to adjust to. New ways of showing up can feel uncomfortable. Lean in. Explore. Notice. I really suspect that you will grow to love them as much as we do!
WHY INVITATIONS CAN BE HEALING—(ESPECIALLY FOR TEENS AND PARTNERS)?
They bring our humanity back to us. We “see” our loved ones as individuals not extensions of ourselves.
We encourage “the connection to self” as an important step in the process.
We give space for a bad day or another time. How healthy and humane is that?
We allow for and honor differentiation and autonomy in our families (which communicates unconditional love versus the conditional love model).
We welcome choice.
We value and embody the principle of mutual respect (even to children and young adults).
We minimize the reactivity that naturally accompanies a control approach (which slows insight and learning).
We maximize trust and connection in the relationship.
LET’S PRACTICE!
An example for a teen?
Control? “The family is playing a game together. Everyone must participate. Come and play now.”
Invitation? “It looks like some people want to play a game in a minute, would you like to join us?”
An example for a partner?
Control? “You really should read ______ or listen to _____ interview because you have really been struggling with it.”
Invitation? “Hey! I noticed you felt stressed in that conversation earlier. Want to talk? Do you know something that helped me that I invite you to consider? This podcast called _________. If you do choose to listen, I would love to hear what you think about it.”
INVITATION SCRIPTS
“What would you think about ________?”
“I invite you to consider ______but it is up to you.”
“I would love to have you come to _________ but do what feels best for you.”
“This __________really meant a lot to me. I invite you to consider it as I would love to talk about it with you!”
Relationships can be challenging at times. Noticing when power or control has become the dominant pattern can feel scary. Invitations are a perfect way to infuse the relationship with some healing.
Do you use invitations in your home and family? Are there particular relationships or topics within a relationship where the use of invitations might be beneficial or healing? I would love to hear your comments and insights below.